


Light

by rome_in_asia



Category: K-pop, The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Breakdown, Pain, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-05 10:39:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18826987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rome_in_asia/pseuds/rome_in_asia
Summary: Trigger Warning: Please read the tags carefully.Nightmare or dream, Kevin has to keep walking.





	Light

Kevin leaned over the sink, catching his tears with his palms as he chanted, " _I don't want this_." over and over again. A quiet prayer, said outloud as if it would make the darkness and the revulsion go away.

  
Their dorm was quiet, as it always was during promotions, when everyone's just too tired to play or hang out in the living room. Kevin was tired too; so, _so tired_. More tired than he should be, and that was what's bothering him.

  
He didn't want to tell his parents. " _Just pray, everything will be alright._ " is what they'll say, as if the tears and blood Kevin had lost would baptise him back into the safe reclusions of a blinded belief. He had long lost faith in the workings of the universe, had long outgrown the safety barricade of ignorance.

  
If God exists, why was Kevin suffering like this?

  
Feeling needles poke his healed arms, where blades used to dance on their own accord and Kevin would wake up bloodied and crying because he did it _again_ , he lost control _again_ , he broke his promise to himself _again_. Kevin /hated/ not having control.

  
He didn't want to tell his bandmates, his bestfriends, his _brothers from another mothers_. They had problems of their own, and Kevin feared he would trigger them and make the dorm a crying mess. Heaven ( _if it exists_ ) knows Eric was fragile like unfinished glass, and Kevin didn't want to see him cry.

  
No man was an island indeed, but Kevin had long left the shores of his own and started to drown in the everlasting sea.

  
He quickly splashed water on his face, reaching for the facial cleanser he brought with him. It was expensive, the cleanser, bought abroad on one of their rare, not-so-hectic schedules, and Kevin hoped the mindset that his hard-earned money would go to waste if he cried after putting washing his face with the goddamn cleanser would keep him from breaking down.

  
( _It never works_.)

  
It was easy to forget he had a problem most of the time, when they faced a crowd and Kevin's mind is on the script and role he has to play: the golden member, the visual who can sing, dance, write songs, and spout Vine references like an internet veteran. It was easy to be happy when you're shining in the light.

  
Until the light goes out and Kevin's in the bathroom again, staring at his puffy, red eyes in the fogging mirror.

  
He scratched absently at his arm, feeling the phantom bumps of scars he was so desparate to remove and cover when he started as an idol. Idols are perfect beings; and Kevin, he was an over achiever in the idol section. He has everything, he has no reason to feel...

  
To feel _empty_.

  
Kevin clenched his fists when his eyes started to water again.

  
He wasn't a teenager anymore, with raging hormones that could possibly cause those fucking moodswings he hated so much. Kevin had no excuse, he kept telling himself, none at all, as to why he was _PMS_ -ing like a bitch. His tears come and go, but they always come back, with higher tides than the sea has ever seen with every return.

  
"Your fucking skin care, man. Do your skin." he chastised himself in a broken whisper. He wondered if a broken mirror could show a broken soul, or would it show a complete, whole image? There was a tiny crack in the corner of the bathroom mirror, caused by Haknyeon accidently hitting it when attempting to free throw his facial massager.

  
Kevin lathered his face with toner, wiping harshly at his eye areas as if to remove his tear ducts so they'd just /stop/.

  
He hadn't realized he stopped until he was looking at his reflection again. The image in front of him recoiled, half-swirled in darkness, with empty, teary eyes and a pimple on his cheek. _Your own harshest critic is yourself_ , Jacob used to tell him, back before Kevin started dieting. _There's just no way you can win._

  
Kevin wondered if Jacob looks as broken as he does when he's alone in front of the mirror too.

  
"Stupid. _Stupid_ , that's enough self-pity." Kevin sniffled. He finished his routine quickly, not feeling lighter, but only a pixel braver with the thin mask of moisturizer on his skin. He turned the lights off at the door, still looking at his reflection.

  
When it was wholly swallowed by the dark, Kevin shivered.

  
He felt that.

  
"Hey, you okay?" Changmin was surprisingly still awake, hobbling around with menthol pads on his feet, stuffed in Cookie Monster slippers. It was one of the many secrets they keep. It won't do for their fans to find out they're humans, no. Not Changmin, who can dance all day and all night without feeling exhausted.

  
( _They don't need to hear Changmin's crying when he could barely move his legs, too tired, too consumed, too lost in his promise to be the best._ )

  
"Yeah," Kevin still sounded croaky. "Couldn't sleep."

  
"Me too." Changmin looked at him, really looked at him. Kevin could feel Changmin's eyes burning into skin, like the needles from earlier, but they weren't poking at his scars. Changmin was just looking at Kevin's bare soul. "One of those nights, huh?" Changmin asked after a few moments of silence.

  
"You could say that." Kevin helped him back into their bedroom, where Hyunjoon was sound asleep and surrounded by plushies guarding him from his demons with swords made of the members' love.

  
Changmin couldn't climb the upper bunk, so he stayed with Kevin in his bunk, squeezed into the space where Kevin's heart cracked open on some nights.

  
"It'll be morning soon." Changmin whispered. "And we'll be idols again."

  
"Do you hate it?"

  
"No. It's our dream. Why would I hate our dream?"

  
"But is it what you thought it would be?"

  
Changmin only smiled, throwing Kevin's blanket over them both. "Of course not, but we can't think for ourselves anymore, can we? We have our fans and our parents to look after now, and we love them with every bit of our tired muscle sinews so much, we'd walk over fire for them. Dreams sometimes turn into nightmares, but it's all still what we wanted. I'm just thankful we have each other."

  
Kevin didn't reply, but he held Changmin close to him.

  
"Please don't kick me off the bed."

  
"I'll try."

  
"I'm moving to Hyunjoon's bed."

  
They laughed, as if tears hadn't made them slip over their broken parts just moments before. Kevin let Changmin spoon him, thankful indeed. He knew the darkness could never be fully locked away; there would be no day if night doesn't exist. Vanilla would always be more appreciated when there's dark chocolate to scathe the tongue.

  
They were all each other's light source, flickering and sometimes switching off they may be. There may come a time when their lights all go out together, but Kevin knows there would be other sources of light by then. Changmin was right; though Kevin would hate where he was sometimes, it was his choice.

  
Nightmare or dream, Kevin has to keep walking.

**Author's Note:**

> when will i actually write happy fics again
> 
> thank you for reading, please never forget you might be someone's light source flushing their darkness away.
> 
> [twitter: [ @juyeonieee ](https://twitter.com/juyeonieee?s=09)]


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